Thursday, May 29, 2008

Come up

Completed my first knit cardigan ever. I just need to add buttons and it will be ready to wear. Actually i am thinking of wearing it sans buttons just to show it off to the people who have been watching me knit it for the past month and a half.

On to two more projects! One of them is for me, a promise i made at the beginning of the year- be fearless and knit for myself. The other is a pair of socks for my friend Robyn's [late] birthday. She has made me two pairs of jammy pants in the past [one was lost, hence the second] and i love to show her my apprecation and love.

Well off to the wild blue yonder!

Friday, May 2, 2008

1. Visited Ireland
2. Missed 2 job interviews
3. Want to stay in bed for weeks
4. Sex

It's what is on my mind.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

you didn't see, but i was there

Count down is 7 days. Seven days until i leave for Ireland. Am i ready? Well, somewhat. I may or may not need a new backpack. I am hoping not. I already own one backpack from college, and one i used when i spent 6 weeks in Europe in 2001. This time it's only 10 days, so i hope to be as lightly packed as possible.

Yesterday i went shopping with my brother in Seattle, an outdoor store called REI- he bought a $100 backpack that may hold extra stuff if mine is too small. I've been considering our itinerary. We fly into and out of Dublin, and i have a girlfriend who lives in County Donegal. In between i am thinking of Galway and the Aran Islands. That should take up our whole 10 days.

I began my first knitted garment a few days ago- a button down cardigan called the "Puff sleeve Feminine Cardigan" and the title tells well, it has puff sleeves and lacework on the bottom. I will be proud to post the completed garment pictures. I won't finish before i leave, but likely i will get a goodly portion done. I can't stop knitting it! Right now it's just the same thing over and over for about 20 or more rows.

Besides just knitting and getting ready for Ireland, i will be completing applications to different school district in Whatcom and Skagit Counties. I will have to get my butt in gear, because there are a few apps i haven't even started on. Fortunately i have the beginnings with previous cover letters and resumes on my plate as examples. I am almost done with the Ferndale app, and the Burlington. Bellingham, Nooksack Valley and Oak Harbor to go. Maybe more have opened over the past week.

Not much else happening, really [but truly it's all more than not much]

Thursday, March 6, 2008

call me [or so says blondie]

Can you believe this is the first time i've felt i have the time to sit and post anything on any of my blogs? Wow! There isn't much relief coming in the future, either. I need to study for job interviews [teacher interviews are tough!], apply for the Bellingham School District.....and i haven't heard anything from Mt. Vernon yet. I can only assume it means they didn't find me qualified for the position.

Just thinking of that brings on the sludge. What else can i call it. That deep fear and anxiety that balls right inside the bottom of my sternum. I am trying to cognitively change this process of... what can i call it? When i start feeling this way i get immobile. Like it's my mind;s way of protecting me. I am sure it's a learned reaction from childhood. *sigh* I want to be stronger than that!

I am finishing up a knitting project i started in October- Mark's scarf should be done this week. I put it down a couple times too extensively- once for over a onth i believe. Ha! And it was his christmas present. He has been very obliging in this belated present. In fact, he is just elated i am making him something.

I have to buy conservative interview clothes- like jacket & skirt, or pantsuit. Eeeek. I am going to try to consignment store today. I was at the mall with a girlfriend yesterday and saw the prices in JC Penney's were too much for me. $60 for a jacket, $40 for pants and $20 for a shirt. Crazy! But i have to make an impression and this is what you need.

My hips are sore from yoga.

I am eating a delicious pear.

bmn k

[that was me trying to swipe off cat hair from the keyboard]

Heart of Glass by Blondie brings strange deep emotional recall to me.

I just want to crawl deeper into the covers and watch one of the many movies i have from the library.

I miss you my Muse.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Hearty Tuscan Stew in the oven, coffee by my side, and plans to make Lemon Layer Cake for my birthday. I finished one of the Arrow pattern socks for Mark and am going to begin the second one today. I also made a couple little baby hats for my brother-in-law's sister who just had a baby about a week or so ago. She is young [i thought 19, but i guess now she's 21] and with a man who does not treat her well, and on top of it all she lives in a highly morman part of Idaho, with a deeply religious family. *sigh* poor thing. I hope the hats i made fit, i've never made clothes for little teeny tiny ones before.

Even though i've been busy through a big part of the day, i feel headachy and lazy.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

dream

The beginning of a very scary, very detailed dream that was interrupted by Mark's snoring:
I am at college and get a strange note from someone saying they are coming for me. At first i don't know what is going on, but instantly i remember an incident from my young childhood-

*As a very young child i survived a horrible plane crash instrumented by an evil, diabolical, crazy man. The scene i remember is a woman [the other survivor] sitting on the street corner next the the wreckage, wailing her heart out. Her clothes are ruined from the bottom down and i can clearly see her nakedness. She keeps lamenting that she was true to her lover all their lives until the night before, why did she have to be unfaithful right before he dies horribly?

The diabolical man sees me [i think i am young enough to be in a carrier] and something strange happens. He calms down, all his black thoughts, extreme mental illness and general evil demeanor calm down. He is utterly confused and decides i am a miracle, so he won't kill me.*

What he will do, though, is come back for me.

After i remember this buried incident, i am instantly panicked- scared to the marrow. I begin to run. I make it to an administrative building on campus, into the hallways, into someone's office. I can feel him behind me. I hide in an office, behind a desk, no avail- i can hear him calling for me. "You can't hide from me, i can see through walls to get you, behind that desk you are hiding behind."

~snore~ I am woken up from this tense, fearful dream. It was full of emotion and could have gotten more interesting.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

musings

Sometimes i find little bits of Mark's ex-girlfriend around his place. It hurts my feelings, even though i know they mean nothing. If i said anything i know he would do his best to remove them, but i just haven't.

For example, there were her business cards from when she lived in town [she is a massage therapist]. She moved back to San Diego after they broke up- i think this was about 4 or more years ago.

The other day i saw a little crafty christmas post card she made him sitting in his desk drawer next to the pens.

A while back as i was on the computer i accidentally saw that one of his bank accounts still has her name on it. Albeit, the account it one he never uses, but still it made me uncomfortable.

I don't know much about her beyond her name, she broke his heart, and this little incident last weekend.

As Mark was walking me home on Sunday he stopped next to a vacant lot filled with overgrown trees and weeds. "This is last year," he puts his hand halfway up a sign post, "and this is now, " he raises his hand up a couple feet. "Do you love me more or less than last year?"

Maybe this wasn't the best thing to say, but it came out of my mouth because it seemed to me obvious, "What a silly question. Of course i love you more this year." Just the previous night wasn't i confessing to him that sometimes i felt like i could just burst with how much i loved him, and that sometimes i wasn't sure if i could ever properly tell him often enough?

Walking quietly hand in hand for half a block i say, "I know that wansn't a silly question, Mark. But why do you ask?"

Earlier in the day he had been cleaning out his closet in the spare room and found "the green book". This book was filled with notes, cards, and other [what i assume to be] crafty declarations of love. He looked through it, knowing that near the end her love for him had faded out, but she did not tell him.

Mark destroyed the green book after seeing it that day.

Mark then told me that if my love for him died, i should tell him and not spare anything.

I hope my lot in life is one that allows me to love, for better or for worse, this man that holds a place in my life i never knew available.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

GFIC*

*GFIC- girlfriend in charge, stems from a position at Mark's work [he works for the border patrol] PAIC, which is patrol agent in charge. He gave me this title one day when i was cooking many complicated items and i put him to work.

rooms to let, 50 cents

Mark has the song "King of the Road" all stuck in my head. He always does that, sings snatches of a song over and over. Sometimes i even have to get GFIC* and make him stop the song or hum he obsesses over.

On the other hand he did ask me tonight, "Carmen, how did you get so wonderful?" I told him i am just me and he replies "Well you are wonderful, you know." It's the kind of thing i hope everyone hears in a loving relationship.

And if you don't here it, here i am asking you, "Dearest friends of mine, how did you get so wonderful?" It's true, you've all done something to amaze me at some point. Even if i don't know you yet.

I've had a couple great days teaching, yesterday at the alternative high school and today/tomarrow for a 6th grade special ed teacher. He is amazing, i love being in his classroom. He has a student teacher right now, so i don't have to take control, i just help out.

Next week Mark is out of town, i look forward to the time to myself. Not to say i will be alone the whole time, but i will be taking liberties in spending time "mono eu mono" with some friends. I feel like my time alone helps me regenerate my reserves of energy. I love to be at home with my kitty, reading, knitting, cooking, cleaning etc. I am such a homebody.

Well, now i am in bed with my love, computer in lap- i should close out and finish up my other interney tidbits before i burrow in for the night.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Arrow Socks *edit

Arrow Socks

Pattern- Sensational Knitted Socks by Charlene Schurch

Yarn- Brown Sheep's Wildfoote

Color- Master Grey

Needles- Clover DPN's size 1.5 I've changed this to size 2

Notes- I started Mark's socks the other day, and had to cast on a few more stitches then i should have- just to accomodate the intricate pattern. I should have followed my intuition when Mark said he had wide feet. He may actually have wide feel, but in general he is a petite man, and once he tried on the socks on the needle, it was obvious they were going to be way to big for his calves. Fortunately i had only gotten as far as one repeat of the pattern [so 1 inch of ribbing, plus 16 rown]. Ah well..... I will knit another swatch with size 1 needles and start over.

1/23 I;ve started over with size 2 needles, casting on 16 less stitches than before. The size seems to me perfect and the pattern is quite nice [though not increidbly manly. Mark says they can be summer socks],

1/25 After 2 days of good knitting time whilst being the certified teacher in a 6th grade classroom i was able to get to the heel flap. I haven't started it yet, because all i have on my right now is the arrow repeats pattern, not the actual sock pattern. Pics to come!

Saturday, January 19, 2008

What do i know? Perhaps not much. If i am lucky i just underestimate myself.