musings

Sometimes i find little bits of Mark's ex-girlfriend around his place. It hurts my feelings, even though i know they mean nothing. If i said anything i know he would do his best to remove them, but i just haven't.

For example, there were her business cards from when she lived in town [she is a massage therapist]. She moved back to San Diego after they broke up- i think this was about 4 or more years ago.

The other day i saw a little crafty christmas post card she made him sitting in his desk drawer next to the pens.

A while back as i was on the computer i accidentally saw that one of his bank accounts still has her name on it. Albeit, the account it one he never uses, but still it made me uncomfortable.

I don't know much about her beyond her name, she broke his heart, and this little incident last weekend.

As Mark was walking me home on Sunday he stopped next to a vacant lot filled with overgrown trees and weeds. "This is last year," he puts his hand halfway up a sign post, "and this is now, " he raises his hand up a couple feet. "Do you love me more or less than last year?"

Maybe this wasn't the best thing to say, but it came out of my mouth because it seemed to me obvious, "What a silly question. Of course i love you more this year." Just the previous night wasn't i confessing to him that sometimes i felt like i could just burst with how much i loved him, and that sometimes i wasn't sure if i could ever properly tell him often enough?

Walking quietly hand in hand for half a block i say, "I know that wansn't a silly question, Mark. But why do you ask?"

Earlier in the day he had been cleaning out his closet in the spare room and found "the green book". This book was filled with notes, cards, and other [what i assume to be] crafty declarations of love. He looked through it, knowing that near the end her love for him had faded out, but she did not tell him.

Mark destroyed the green book after seeing it that day.

Mark then told me that if my love for him died, i should tell him and not spare anything.

I hope my lot in life is one that allows me to love, for better or for worse, this man that holds a place in my life i never knew available.